There was once a beautiful princess in a faraway land. Then one day, she saw a young man wandering aimlessly through the forest. She called out to him, but he could not hear her from far below her tower. She watched the boy every day. Hoping someday he would notice her. Over the years she grew. Countless suitors came to throw their hats into the ring. All left unsuccessful, for the princess still called for the boy, who had now become a man. One day, the boy looked up at the castle and saw the princess there. She stared into his eyes. He stared back. Locked in the gaze, the moment froze for what seemed an eternity. They were in love. But it was an impossible love. For the man was but a lowly peasant. Eventually, the princess was forced to give in to the suitor; she died knowing that her happiness was never attained. Only a few days after her death, the kingdom was overthrown by a man. The man looked everywhere for his princess that he swore he would marry. When he found out that she was dead, he was like. Wow, that sucks, and then he and his friends went to a sports bar. The end. Ta da!
So, this one crazy dude named Frank came into my bar one day and ordered a book, a book. So I tells him, we don’t serve books here, this is a bar, we serve drinks. But he ignores me, and starts going on about how his friend told him about how good this book is that he’s trying to order. He says it’s got this one story about a whale, and it eats this guy and spits him out somewhere else. So I asks him if he’s talking about the Moby Dick story. And he yells at me, saying I tried to kill him. Eventually he calms down, but everyone is looking at me all weird and stuff. So I says to the guy that he needs to go to the library, that’s where all the books is at. But then he’s all like, if I gotta go to the library, then who’s gonna pay for his life insurance. Then these two police guys walk in and suddenly this Frank guy does the magician thing with the smoke, and disappears. The police guys walk up to me and start asking me questions about where the dude went. And I couldn’t tell them anything, just that he tried to order a book about whales. And then the police guys just looked at each other, and suddenly, they started fighting. Eventually, the one police guy got the other one on the ground, and handcuffed him. He took his hat off, and as it turned out, he was actually Frank. And then the police guy took his hat off, and he was the pope. Then out of nowhere, an entire SWAT team came crashing through the windows and doors, they was yelling at us to get down. So I got down, but then they told me to get up and do jumping jacks. And then I did, and that’s when they all took their helmets off, and they were all athletic trainers. I was really confused, so I just kept doing jumping jacks. Meanwhile, Frank was picking the locks on his handcuffs, since apparently he was Houdini in a new form of person. That was probably the second weirdest day of my career.
There were twelve baskets of apples in the front yard. Two were for the gardener, three were for the school, four were for the polar bears, the rest were all for me. I like eating oranges, oranges are free, and I pick lots of oranges, ripened on the tree. I drink lots of apple juice, orange juice, and tea. I drink lots of everything, now I have to pee. I tried the asparagus I ate it with some brie. Apparently I’m allergic. Now I cannot see. Seeing things is important, important as can be. Now I’m itchy from a bite, the bite is from a flea. I hate you if you’re an insect, especially a bee. Okay this is getting dumb, I’m done.
The really big fireball that blew up my goldfish last week.
So something really weird happened last week. I had a goldfish named Deadly plague. It was a seriously dumb fish; it always tried to swim through the glass. Like seriously, you’re a fish, not a ghost. And whenever I had company, it would always be barking at my guests. It was getting on my nerves. But the APL wouldn’t take him. They gave some bullshit excuse, like “We don’t take fish, we have never dealt with fish, are you insane?” Anyways, last week, after I fed it, the fish started jumping around in the bowl, I was like, “What are you doing now? Auditioning for the circus?” Well unfortunately, my fish was even too stupid for the circus. So instead, it exploded in a blazing fireball that destroyed my apartment. Can you believe this fish? I lost my security deposit because my fish was too busy defying the laws of physics to be a good pet and not blow up. Oh well, I got a turtle now, let’s hope it’s not explosive or anything. I named it Desiree.
So, the other day while watching American Idol, I heard a knock on my door. This really ticked me off. I hate when people knock when there’s a perfectly good doorbell that I paid like 500 bucks to put in. So I got up, grabbed my lawyer and opened the door. There was no one there. Probably because they heard me scream “I swear, if it’s you darn kid’s again, I’m going to sue your sorry butts.” Anyways, I looked down, sitting there on my unwelcome mat, was this really elaborate thing, it was an old looking piece of paper with a map on it. I am single; I live alone, and am unemployed, so I have all the time in the world. I started to investigate what this map led to. As it turns out, it was a map of my property and my house. The fact that somebody knows all this, including the intricate detail of my air vent system, was really creepy to me. A normal, boring person would have called the police at this point, but I am not normal. So I followed the map. The first clue said, “Hey stupid, go look in the fishbowl”
This made me mad because I haven’t had a fish ever since Deadly Plague exploded in my apartment. But sure enough, there was a fish in my old fishbowl. I approached it carefully. It stared at me with those dumb little eyes. “I am going to flush you down the toilet” I said to the stupid looking fish. “IF YOU DARE” it yelled back. Suddenly it jumped out of the tank and turned into a dove, which somehow pooped out a confetti popper, and then flew out the window. “You can’t be serious” I said as I ran for cover. There was a furious explosion that sounded like an angry old man yelling at children who refuse to get off of his lawn. My living room was ruined, there is absolutely no way my vacuum cleaner will be able to revive it. This is why I hate pets. After I was sure that everything was safe, I went back into the room. For some reason it smelled like cookies and the fish tank was completely devoid of confetti. I looked in the little treasure chest inside the tank and found a clue. This is so getting so cliché. Anyways, it told me to look in the attic; I went ahead and followed its directions. You will never guess what I found.
It was an entire litter of raccoons with little staffs and mage robes. Wizard raccoons, really, luckily I had my necronomicon with me, I banished the evil raccoons to the domain of traveling salesmen and high income taxes. And of course, I discovered that they were performing evil rituals and stuff. Also, they had somehow managed to steal my identity and credit card info and used it to pay for their own internet website to recruit even more raccoons to ruin my attic. As I proceeded to inspect their little alter to some weird deity that to me, looked like a trashcan, I saw the big “Help wanted to destroy the lives of people who ignore their attic space” poster. It was alarming how excellent the raccoon’s penmanship was. However, I lost all respect when I saw that right next to it there was a Justin Bieber poster. Disappointed, I turned around to leave. That is when I remembered that there was another clue. I began to search for it, and then I remembered the JB poster. I went back to it and flipped it over. There it was; a clue. For some reason it was written in 14 point, Wingdings font. How these raccoons managed to handwrite in a specific font size and language is beyond my understanding, besides, it’s probably not important. Anyways I was lucky, as I took a class on deciphering this language. It took me some time to examine and decrypt the oddly written note, but what I discovered surprised me, and was worth going through this whole ordeal. It told me to go outside and ring the doorbell. This simple task sounded easy enough, so I did it. As it turns out, the doorbell didn’t work. I was completely amazed, stricken by this baffling mystery, I was speechless. They could have simply told me that my doorbell didn’t work, but instead they went and did this really elaborate thing.